Throne of Malevolence

Throne of Malevolence.

See you in Hell.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

The artist's favorite.

Count down to Colorado.

In case you haven't heard, I am going to do my journalism internship at Velonews in Boulder, Colorado, next semester.

I have a host of worries and low-grade anxieties about this, but overwhelmingly, I am excited about it and the progress I have made in the last couple of years.

Patting myself on the back has never been what this blog has been about, or something that I have ever been good at.

So.... We'll cut to the chase.

When my mom and I were driving to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving, we came up with a pretty rockin' idea.

I want to make signs to hold up to other drivers to amuse both me and them.

I think the signs have to be fairly PG rated. I can't make any truly foul or tasteless signs, although I would love to do that, I can't guarantee that other people will either think it's funny or not run me off the road.

I was thinking about the following:

- I am so bored.

- What's good, shorty!?

- Heee-eeey!

- Any good Mexican places around here?

- Where ya headed?

- Got a map?

- My mommy doesn't know where I am.

- Would you like a Mentos?

I would love to hear your suggestions.

But please remember...... PG rated!

Somewhere there is a college bar filled with...

Somewhere there is a college bar filled with handsome young men.

But, that bar certainly isn't on the UNH campus.

After a Saturday night out in Durham I came to the conclusion that most of the male, bar-going UNH population are a bunch of schlubs. Underdressed, backward hat wearing schlubs.

Let me explain "Schlub" to you.

If your idea of dressing up to go out includes any of the following, you are a schlub;

Boston Red Sox hat

Sports hat in general

Black North Face fleece jacket

anything camouflage print

jeans that don't cover your entire butt

if your underpants are showing

a hoodie of ANY kind, with any logo, print or otherwise

untied Timberland boots

The list could go on. But these were some of the glaring and galling examples from Saturday night.

Now, fellas, gather round, pull up a carpet square and listen intently.

You have to, at least, equal your female counterparts in the dressing department.

All the ladies put in quite a bit of effort to look lovely, well put together, and at the very least, presentable.

You, need to look better than you would if you were just going to class.

No ties or sock garters.

You need to step up your game.

Maybe tuck in your shirt and button it up to the second button from the top -- unless you have a mane of chest hair and gold chains on.

Wear jeans that fit. You are not in high school anymore.

Wear a sweater. The right sweater can compliment nicely a dark pair of straight-leg jeans.

Wear brown or black shoes -- just make sure your belt matches your shoes.

And SHAVE your face. If you don't have luxurious facial hair, you need to get rid of it. Trust me, I tried growing a fu manchu, and it was ugly. But, most importantly, it was gone quickly.

So, gents, try to stand out above your peers. There will always be enough schlubs around so that minimal effort of your part will stand out like a beacon of good and stylish taste.

Typing up the police log...

Every time I type up the police log on production nights at The New Hampshire I am supremely satisfied with myself that I have never been arrested.

Supremely satisfied.

So many dumb kids get busted on this campus for dumb stuff.

On November third, we ran a great article by one of our contributors (Miss Alexandra Churchill) about her Halloween ride-along with Officer Welman of the UNH Police Department.

About three-quarters of the way through the story, we get this lovely anecdote:

While slowly moving through the masses that block Strafford Avenue, an open beer can somersaults in the headlights of the cruiser and onto the street. Welman immediately reacts, flips on his swirling blue lights and catches the perpetrator’s stunned face in the stark headlights.

The underage thrower of the can is arrested for unlawful littering and unlawful possession of alcohol.

This kid actually got into university. How does that grab you?

Now, I won't tell you who this young knucklehead is, but if you were so inclined as to want to find who this is.... who am I to stop you.

I might point you to some local police log and the publishing date of article and the littering charge.

I am not trying to "out" or screw this idiot kid, but I just want to make the point that every Monday night when I type up the police log, I am supremely satisfied that I have never been arrested.

Tall enough to ride this ride?

Have you ever seen someone that looked totally out of place and wanted to ask them if their parents knew where they were?

It seems like a small portion of the UNH student body was washed in hot water and immediately put in the dryer, resulting in minus-sized proportions.

They're not everywhere, like Asian Lady Beetles, but like beer cans in a freshman's room, they're sprinkled about campus.

Every time I see one of these people -- primarily young ladies, little guys don't any attention from men or women (sorry short guys, it's your curse, not mine) -- I want to break out a tape measure and see if they in fact meet the minimum required height to enter college.

I figure that would be something around 48" to 52", just like the Cannonball at Canobie Lake Park.

internet

Open a word processing document.
Type "I love the internet.".
Hit enter.
Wait a moment.

If you did this right -- note the rude, condescending tone in my 'voice' -- then you should see a green squiggly line under the word 'internet'.

This is scary.

I think that this is the first step to Skynet coming online.
I think that computers are programmed to know when we are typing words about them and that them wanted the word 'internet' to be capitalized is like Christians wanted to capitalize the word "God'.
The computers know, and want us to know, that the internet is the birth place of their collective conscience. Moreover, they want to subtly program us to recognize this.

Soon, computers will be sentient and exterminate the human race.

On an completely unrelated topic... has anyone seen my blue pills?
All I can find are the red ones and I'm getting a little anxious.