Inciting panic at every sneeze, cough or sniffle

With the outbreak and feared pandemic of Swine Flu sweeping over North America, I urge you to do our part in greasing the gears of panic and fear.

The media have been reporting on new cases that are infecting youth, healthy people and not old, sickly people. 

The media has also reported that the best way not to spread the virus is to practice basic hygiene by washing hands frequently, covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and if you are sick stay home.

This poses a particular difficulty for college students such as myself and the thousands of students living on campus.

Therefore, like I previously stated, I urge you to do you part to raise awareness about this potentially deadly outbreak.

Every time you see someone sneeze or hear someone cough, I want you to shout "SWINE FLU!" and point at the person like you were a Puritan accusing someone of witchcraft.

Then continue to shriek as you smear Purell all over every surface in the room.

With your help, I know we can fight this thing.

Thank you for your time. 

If you can't stand the heat, stay out the tranny bathroom

Sitting down to pee promotes nudist sensibilities.

This is what I thought while I was sitting in the "tranny bathroom" - or 'gender neutral bathroom' -  in the bowels of the MUB.

Take a moment to think about this.

On second thought, please don't; that would mean that you are just as dumb and bored as I am.

So, let me break it down for you.

The tranny bathroom is an anomaly because regardless of the sex or gender with which you identify, you are able to use either one of these bathrooms. There is clearly a men's and women's bathroom. The men's room is set up like any other men's room with two urinals and one stall. The women's is what I would think is standard for female bathrooms with two stalls.

To accurately describe the typical experience of the tranny bathroom, I must describe a sticker that is pasted to the wall next to the door lock. It reads, "For your privacy, please feel free to lock this door", or something like that (i'll fact check this for you). 

  Therefore, you will have to use the can on any occasion, only to find that the door is locked. You push and you hear the hollow and solid, "THUNK" of a deadbolt lock.  That means someone is in there taking care of business. 

 This leads me to draw two conclusions; One, they are interested in hiding their gender neutrality or ambiguity - that's cool with me, as a male that identifies as a male, I have never had to question this and therefore have no idea what the state of gender ambiguity is on this homogenous campus; Or, conclusion number two, the person in there can't handle the heat of someone of the opposite sex urinating or defecating next to them - this one roils me. 

If you can't stand the heat, stay out the tranny bathroom.

I'll now set forth some qualifiers in order to clarify the situation. I was comfortably sitting on the can, reading The New Hampshire (my university's fine newspaper) one evening, only to hear three people open the door, walk in, and then exit. 

 

To clarify, I sat down to urinate. THERE, I SAID IT!

 I was using this time to relax, to read and to close out all the freneticism of college life, which felt particularly crushing during that week.

As I heard the second person leave, I thought, "Man, what's the big deal? I'm just sitting here." 

I was just a guy sitting, on the pot. What's so weird about that? We all sit down with our trousers at our ankles, multiple times day. 

So, why automatically leave a gender neutral zone when someone is taking care of gender neutral business?

I do concede that maybe they needed to poop. I was using a stall for something other than its specific, solid-waste-disposal purpose.

Progressing to my thesis, so that I don't bog this post down with tangential rants, if I was sitting down, peeing, reading my paper, in the traditionally women's bathroom - as evident by its configuration stated above - and a woman - undeterred by the presence of someone else in the bathroom - came in to use the adjoining stall, this would be the closest I would ever come to a member of the opposite sex in a non-sexual context.

 

This would classify as a basic and preliminary step toward Nudism, because the sexual context was removed, while incorporating some skin bearing during a day-to-day activity. (I admit now that this is the extent of my knowledge of the philosophy of Nudism.) 

 

 The next step, I feel, in the incorporation of nudist ideals and gender neutral zones would be to remove stall walls. This would remove the social anxiety associated with urination and, primarily, defecation.

In the end, had I not taken my little break, dropped my trousers, sat down to pee and read my paper, I would not have had this epiphany. 

Likewise, I would not have had this alienating experience. I am ready to incorporate new values such as gender neutral zones for gender neutral acts and nudist ideals in hopes of breaking down social anxiety. 

But most of all, I would embrace freaking out some squares and read my paper where no one can bug me. 

I want to write some stuff.

But don't really have the time.

I will give you the headlines, or heds - in downstyle.

I will not be racing as much as I originally planned this collegiate season; school is busy and I have a woodworking studio class that is fulfilling as it is time-consuming.

I am disappointed to hear the Cannondale is moving production to Taiwan. My CAAD9 will be the last Cannondale I ever buy.

The Boston Globe might be shuttered within a month or so as a result of its owner's, Times Co., gigantic debt.

I am going to try to do Exeter's Wednesday Night Rides as a part of my desire to hang with them by the end of the summer. All aboard the Pain Train!

I need a haircut.

I will be helping to make Chicken Marsala and Mac&Cheese at Holloway Commons - UNH's stat dining hall that serves roughly 6000 people per day, Monday through Friday - in order to write a feature and create an audio slideshow for my Feature Writing class.

   That's about all that is going on in my neck of the woods.

Thanks for tuning in.