Inciting panic at every sneeze, cough or sniffle

With the outbreak and feared pandemic of Swine Flu sweeping over North America, I urge you to do our part in greasing the gears of panic and fear.

The media have been reporting on new cases that are infecting youth, healthy people and not old, sickly people. 

The media has also reported that the best way not to spread the virus is to practice basic hygiene by washing hands frequently, covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and if you are sick stay home.

This poses a particular difficulty for college students such as myself and the thousands of students living on campus.

Therefore, like I previously stated, I urge you to do you part to raise awareness about this potentially deadly outbreak.

Every time you see someone sneeze or hear someone cough, I want you to shout "SWINE FLU!" and point at the person like you were a Puritan accusing someone of witchcraft.

Then continue to shriek as you smear Purell all over every surface in the room.

With your help, I know we can fight this thing.

Thank you for your time.